There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I want her autograph on my taint
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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