Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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