After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
