i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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