I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
