she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
