I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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