Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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