too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
