I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
