So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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