Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
