Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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