Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
