So drunk its hurt
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
