My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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