Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
