I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
