I can text with my tongue
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
