she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
