His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
