This is not my ceiling
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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