I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
