he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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