I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
