You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
