there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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