i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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