haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow