Your face is a jimmy john
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
