Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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