I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
