She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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