But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
