don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
