Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
