How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
