Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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