She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
