I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The power of my boobs compel you
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
