Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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