First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
