last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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