When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
