There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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