My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
