I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
