woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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