i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
