I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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