It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
