Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
