I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize