So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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