He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
