She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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