You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
