my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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