I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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