Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
